Wow! A full year,.....365 days since my fingers tapped the keys of my laptop to pen a blog post.
While I want to be regretful for this seemingly obvious display of neglect, I'm happy to say...I'm not.
This past year has been one of immense trials, tribulations, growth, victory, and restoration.
The Lord pulled me far out of my comfort zone and asked things of me I was not even close to being prepared to give....my whole heart, mind, and strength, and unadulterated trust and obedience to His Will for my life.
Ummmm....what?
Now, let's get real here. None of us likes surrendering control, experiencing moments of uncertainty, or taking a leap of faith that scares us nearly to death.
But! That's exactly what God asked me to do. And while I'm no master at this (like not even a little bit)...I'm learning and have learned that the Lord really does have my best interest at heart and obedience to Him results in blessings I couldn't have imagined or created on my own.
One of my favorite verses and one I repeat to myself at least once a day is Jeremiah 29:11
Last year, I made the painful decision to not attend the graduate program to which I had been accepted. While this may seem trivial to some, please realize I had worked nearly 2 years to attain the needed prerequisite courses need for acceptance. But, after attending the orientation, I knew in my heart and soul the Lord did NOT want me to go to this school. And while I obediently followed His leading, my heart was broken, my confidence shattered, and my faith shaken.
Could God REALLY have allowed me to spend thousands of dollars on yet another degree that was seemingly amounting to nothing but dust and ashes. Could God have REALLY allowed me to fall in love with a career, only to dangle it in front of my face before whisking it away? And as I wept bitter tears for weeks and months after coming home that fateful April weekend, I desperately tried to remind myself of the promises His Word holds....Jeremiah 29:11 being a staple scripture in my daily devotional.
It wasn't that simple
Later that year, in October, I experienced a full emotional breakdown, and depression was quickly becoming my best friend. And while I put on a brave front and forced a smile, inside I was wilting away. Most nights I cried myself to sleep, begging God to give me the answers I so desperately sought. Reassurance I needed. The cure for my paralyzing anxiety and panic attacks that riddled my daily existence...giving the Devil a foothold about which I was NOT happy....but seemingly powerless to break. No answers came in those moments, but I continued praying.
I was drowning and fast
I took a leap of faith and started the process of applying for grad school for the 3rd year in a row. And while I was excited at the prospect of FINALLY getting into my dream school, the doubts and fears of failure were suffocating, and my joy was snuffed out like a weakly lit flame of a candle. Knowing I couldn't fight these battles on my own and realizing my need for help, I sought counsel of people I love and trust.....you know....those judgment free zones where you can be a totally hot mess, and they still love you. Two scripture verses I was given through this time period were...2nd Timothy 1:7 and Psalm 56:3
These verses swirled in my head daily as I fought the bouts of anxiety, panic attacks, and periods of depression. And while in my heart I knew these promises to be true, my mind was under constant attack from the Enemy, who sought and still seeks to undermine the Lord's place in my life.
Well, I'm NOT okay with that
Over these past 12 months...365 longest days ever...the LORD has done great things.
In this past year....a lot of BEAUTIFUL things happened...in midst of the heartbreak and season of testing, breaking down, and restoration.
In this year...
I met the man who holds my heart, loves me well, and for whom I'm so very thankful.
I was ACCEPTED to East Stroudsburg University (my dream school) for the Masters of Science program for Communication Sciences and Disorders.
I left my job (security and benefits) to move to PA to attend school full-time. Talk about SCARY!
The anxiety attacks and panic attacks have diminished a LOT. Through constant prayer, devotionals, and seeking out strong and wise counsel, the Lord is steadily healing the hurt, pain, and damage done and showing me He is still Sovereign and Faithful.
Psalm 31 speaks of this Truth....
So rest on these promises Dear Soul. The Lord IS faithful, and His promises do endure forever. There WILL be seasons of testing and heartache. Seasons where you faith is shaken and fear is gripping. Seasons where you want to quit and are angry and hurt at God. And that's OK!!
James 1:2-3 says...
And while these growing pains may feel unbearable, I can promise you....this isn't where your journey ends. This is not where the Lord is leaving you. There is an end in sight. Hold fast to hope. Grip firmly onto your faith. Never stop praying. Never stop seeking!
Until Next time <3
