365 days of Brokenness and Restoration:Learning to Embrace the Hardest Season of My Life

Hello Everyone!

Wow! A full year,.....365 days since my fingers tapped the keys of my laptop to pen a blog post.

While I want to be regretful for this seemingly obvious display of neglect, I'm happy to say...I'm not. 

This past year has been one of immense trials, tribulations, growth, victory, and restoration. 

The Lord pulled me far out of my comfort zone and asked things of me I was not even close to being prepared to give....my whole heart, mind, and strength, and unadulterated trust and obedience to His Will for my life. 

Ummmm....what? 

Now, let's get real here. None of us likes surrendering control, experiencing moments of uncertainty, or taking a leap of faith that scares us nearly to death. 

But! That's exactly what God asked me to do. And while I'm no master at this (like not even a little bit)...I'm learning and have learned that the Lord really does have my best interest at heart and obedience to Him results in blessings I couldn't have imagined or created on my own. 

One of my favorite verses and one I repeat to myself at least once a day is Jeremiah 29:11

Last year, I made the painful decision to not attend the graduate program to which I had been accepted. While this may seem trivial to some, please realize I had worked nearly 2 years to attain the needed prerequisite courses need for acceptance. But, after attending the orientation, I knew in my heart and soul the Lord did NOT want me to go to this school. And while I obediently followed His leading, my heart was broken, my confidence shattered, and my faith shaken. 

Could God REALLY have allowed me to spend thousands of dollars on yet another degree that was seemingly amounting to nothing but dust and ashes. Could God have REALLY allowed me to fall in love with a career, only to dangle it in front of my face before whisking it away? And as I wept bitter tears for weeks and months after coming home that fateful April weekend, I desperately tried to remind myself of the promises His Word holds....Jeremiah 29:11 being a staple scripture in my daily devotional. 

It wasn't that simple

Later that year, in October, I experienced a full emotional breakdown, and depression was quickly becoming my best friend. And while I put on a brave front and forced a smile, inside I was wilting away. Most nights I cried myself to sleep, begging God to give me the answers I so desperately sought. Reassurance I needed. The cure for my paralyzing anxiety and panic attacks that riddled my daily existence...giving the Devil a foothold about which I was NOT happy....but seemingly powerless to break. No answers came in those moments, but I continued praying.  

I was drowning and fast 

I took a leap of faith and started the process of applying for grad school for the 3rd year in a row. And while I was excited at the prospect of FINALLY getting into my dream school, the doubts and fears of failure were suffocating, and my joy was snuffed out like a weakly lit flame of a candle. Knowing I couldn't fight these battles on my own and realizing my need for help, I sought counsel of people I love and trust.....you know....those judgment free zones where you can be a totally hot mess, and they still love you. Two scripture verses I was given through this time period were...2nd Timothy 1:7 and Psalm 56:3

These verses swirled in my head daily as I fought the bouts of anxiety, panic attacks, and periods of depression. And while in my heart I knew these promises to be true, my mind was under constant attack from the Enemy, who sought and still seeks to undermine the Lord's place in my life. 

Well, I'm NOT okay with that 

Over these past 12 months...365 longest days ever...the LORD has done great things. 

In this past year....a lot of BEAUTIFUL things happened...in midst of the heartbreak and season of testing, breaking down, and restoration. 

In this year...

I met the man who holds my heart, loves me well, and for whom I'm so very thankful. 

I was ACCEPTED to East Stroudsburg University (my dream school) for the Masters of Science program for Communication Sciences and Disorders. 

I left my job (security and benefits) to move to PA to attend school full-time. Talk about SCARY! 

The anxiety attacks and panic attacks have diminished a LOT. Through constant prayer, devotionals, and seeking out strong and wise counsel, the Lord is steadily healing the hurt, pain, and damage done and showing me He is still Sovereign and Faithful.  

Psalm 31 speaks of this Truth....

So rest on these promises Dear Soul. The Lord IS faithful, and His promises do endure forever. There WILL be seasons of testing and heartache. Seasons where you faith is shaken and fear is gripping. Seasons where you want to quit and are angry and hurt at God. And that's OK!!

James 1:2-3 says...

And while these growing pains may feel unbearable, I can promise you....this isn't where your journey ends. This is not where the Lord is leaving you. There is an end in sight. Hold fast to hope. Grip firmly onto your faith. Never stop praying. Never stop seeking!   

Until Next time <3 

Finding Joy in the Midst of Sorrows

Good Afternoon and Many Blessings!

It's been such a long time since I turned on my computer and logged onto this site.  I hope this post finds you happy and healthy. 

There are days when I honestly wonder what I'm doing here, what plan God has for me, and am I even close to fulfilling that plan.
Some days I'm exhausted just thinking about the next minute, and the thoughts that run through my head can become overwhelming and frankly terrifying.  

I've gotten into the habit of prayer journaling (per the suggestion of a friend and sister in Christ) along with my regular journaling practices.  I find it an extremely refreshing process that leaves me with a clear prospective and a hopeful spirit.  God is faithful to answer my musings through His Word and through the still small voice that speaks to my weary and often, overly imaginative soul.  

This past year has been one of a LOT of changes that has procured a LOT of growth.  Sadly, often times that growth comes through  trials, failures, pain, sorrow, and loss and this year has been chock full of all of those elements.  Not to say it can't come through victories and triumphs and happy moments.  But! Let's be honest here for just a minute....we are generally stubborn and prideful beings who are quick to assume we known the answers and extremely slow to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit who seeks to guide us in the way of the Lord's will.  So, while we often complain about struggles and challenges we face and ask God to take them away...would we really listen otherwise??  

Instead of complaining...which is something I do a LOT of...I'll admit it...I've learned this year to approach these lessons slightly differently.  Much like Paul who asked and begged and pleaded with God to remove the "thorn from his side three times," God did not answer his prayer to remove the problem.  Instead the Lord said "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2nd Corinthians 12:8).  Paul accepted this challenge and noted "For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2nd Corinthians 12:10).  

So, here is what I've started praying instead...

Okay Lord.  Since you're not taking away these struggles...since you're allowing me to make mistakes...what do YOU want me to do?  What I am supposed to learn?  Open my heart, my eyes, and my ears to the TRUTH You are asking me to understand.  

I can tell you, this is MUCH easier said than done.  But, I can also tell you, if you make a conscious effort and CHOICE to do this instead of grumbling and complaining, God is ALWAYS faithful to answer those prayers and that is a blessing you can't ignore.  

I recently read a beautiful quote from Alistair Begg that touched my heart so deeply.  A much needed reminder of an absolute truth I too easily forget.

How blessed I am by this simple stated yet profound TRUTH.  I am thankful beyond what words can fully convey for the grace of the Lord.  I have been experiencing His grace full blast lately, particularly in the midst of the dark moments and struggles of this past year.  

Even when the storms of life threaten to overwhelm me and draw me under, God's GRACE is the life vest that keeps me afloat. 

I can honestly say this process is FAR from over.  Each day God continues to stretch me and shape me, and some days I hate it.  It's uncomfortable and painful.  Not because God is actually hurting me, but because it forces me to accept my shortcomings, forces me to accept my failures, and forces me let go of control. But!  It also forces me to lean fully on the Lord, accept His sovereignty, and rest in His grace.  And let's be real here...  

It doesn't get any better than that! 

Until Next time <3 

The Proof is In.....

Hello Everyone!!!  

Gosh it has been far, far too long since I've last written.  Forgive me!!  These past couple of months have been challenging and exhausting in more ways than I was prepared for.  God is definitely using these hours and days to refine and mold me, and frankly, it's been a rather painful journey.  NOT complaining mind you; just simply reflecting and sharing in the small and big things He's doing in my life.  

Hope you are doing well and are blessed, in ALL things!!!  This is definitely a hard lesson I've been forced to learn.  And I've not exactly been a very willing pupil....stubborn and defiant is more like it.  Like a child, discipline is never easy and let's be honest, it's not something we seek either!  But!  In the end, it is a BLESSING....even if we get bumps and bruises along the way.  

Thought I would share a few poetry pieces I've written over the last few days.  I have shared some of my poetry before in earlier posts. Along with general blogging and narrative writing, I also love just jotting down a few lines of prose.  Nothing fancy, nothing perfect...just a dialogue between God and myself, my heart and my head, the pen and the paper.  

Never be afraid to let your heart song sing...in whatever way that is for you.  For me it's singing and writing.  For you it could be painting, drawing, hiking, running...you fill in the blank.  Take those moments and draw in every precious moment.  

Sometimes the greatest joys in life are found in the seemingly insignificant moments.  Learn to find blessings in every moment and when  you've done so, you've started the blessed journey of LIVING! 

If Only You Knew

If only you knew what you do to me.

How I see you, to the very depths of your soul.

How I cry for you when you’re hurt.

How I get angry when injustice is your fate.

How I pray for you when trials become too burdensome.

How I love you, even though you’ll never love me back.

If only you knew what you do to me.

But you won’t, because you don’t see me. 

Now I know how Jesus feels…..

PROOF

I constantly complain I don’t feel You near,

Accuse You of forsaking me in my time of need.

But You remind me of Your presence,

Through the early moments of the rising sun,

When the world is peaceful and still.

Through the chirping of the birds,

The most beautifully composed symphony,

Filling my heart with Your Heavenly song.

Through the colors of the flowers,

Their radiant hues splashed across nature’s canvas.

Their fragrance, the purest of perfumes.

Through the kindness of a stranger,

A warm smile that speaks a thousand words,

Telling of the heart deep within.

So when I am tempted to complain I don’t feel You near,

Open my eyes to see, my ears to hear, and my heart to listen,

For even my very breath is proof Your presence lies deep within. 

Until Next Time <3 

Fix My Eyes Where???

Reflection for Today....thought I'd share since it's been much too long since I've last written.  Praying you are all well, safe, and healthy! 

God's voice and guidance is heard many different ways....how we listen determines how well we hear it. 

Sometimes it takes another person's perspective; an unbiased view to help give us clarity when we're stuck in our personal tunnel vision.  Sometimes it can be found in a simple statement- unassuming in its honesty.  Sometimes it comes from a two hour conversation, a heart-to-heart, a "come to Jesus" moment.  Sometimes the moment of clarity comes quietly and gently, caressing the issue at hand.  Other times, it's like a blaring, blinding light that pulls us out of our comfort zone, out of the darkness, and forces us to face a moment of utter, naked vulnerability that is completely terrifying.  

This particular moment of clarity came after a two hour conversation with my pastor, and a man I view as a father, and whom I love very dearly.  While in this "meeting," I shared parts of my life, my past, my pain, my fears, and my hopes.  And despite initial reservations about opening up about so much of myself, I found myself breathing a sigh of relief, as if a massive weight had been physically lifted off my shoulders, my heart, my soul.  Throughout this conversation, my pastor shared his professional council, but more importantly, his genuine, fatherly-like love--just for me.  I came to this realization....

Despite the pain I (we) endure in our lives, the trials I (we) have overcome, God has a greater plan; even when we just can't see it.  A greater plan that I (we) am not always capable of understanding or accepting at the time.  My (your) testimony spans my (your) entire lifetime; and is not even about me (you), but rather about God. 

When people ask me to share my testimony, I ask them in return, "how much time do you have?" 

It would be most ideal of my testimony was simple and could be wrapped neatly in pretty paper and completed with a big, red, velvet bow.  However, it isn't like that...not even close.  It's full of ups, downs, tears, laughter, mistakes, trials, tribulations, failures, and victories.  But more importantly, it's not about me...yes you heard me correctly; it's not about me!  It's about God and how my life is proof of His constant Grace, Love, and Mercy...and His Glory.

This level of vulnerability is new for me; and yet, at the same time, is very liberating and freeing.  I'm not bound by the pain and mistakes of my past, and I can openly and boldly share it with others..for the glory of the Lord.  

So whatever you're currently going through or have endured in the past...let it go and let God take it and make it into something beautiful.  Believe me, I know it's easier said than done!!  But here's the deal.  You can either choose to live life stuck in the past with regrets, pain, anger, fear...(you fill in the blank), or you can choose to see each day as a new chance to love and be loved...and see the beauty God has to share.  Which choice will you make??

Until Next Time! <3    

What IF??

Hello! 

A quick reflection for the few minutes of free time I had today. 

"Perfect Love casts out ALL fear [and replaces it with Hope.]"  

How much simpler would life be if we rested in this unadulterated, yet profoundly powerful TRUTH! 

How much more then would we open our hearts?  Give of ourselves? Trust in a Greater Plan for our lives. Trust in a Creator who fashioned us in the depths of our Mother's womb?

How much more then would we take in the small blessings? The simple joys? The fleeting moments and memories?

How much more then would we give thanks for each day?  Love deeper; purer?  Laugh harder.  Cry more freely?

NOT UNTIL.... 

Not until we have experienced paralyzing Fear.  Drowned in Despair.  Walked the path of Shame.  Lost all Hope. 

ONLY THEN....

Only then can we fully accept His perfect Love.  Pure Redemption.  Undeserved Grace.  Unmerited Mercy. 

BUT....

How do we get there? What journey must we take?  What mountains must we climb.  What valleys must we endure? What darkness must we stumble through before seeing the light?

EACH OF US....

Each of us has a custom story written long before the dawn of time. Each of us has a final destination.  But if we are not open to listening, learning, and looking along the way; then the finish means nothing, shows nothing, serves nothing. 

SO THEN....   

So then in this Season of New Beginnings, where will you start? Where will you begin anew?  Where will you end? 

  

Until Next Time <3 

Sticks and Stones.....

Hello again!

I'm up rather early today, for no particular reason whatsoever, so I figured I'd get in some writing.  I've been doing quite a bit of reflecting on the power our words have to act as a catalyst for either a positive or negative outcome.  Too often, we are quick to simply blurt out the first response that comes to mind, failing to consider the possible ramifications.  I know I'm one of the guiltiest when it comes to "lacking a filter," as to which it's often referred.  My friends know "if you don't want the full honest truth, don't ask me."  I don't sugar coat much, and while that is generally not a bad outlook, I know I've hurt others with either my tone or choice of words, even if my intentions were to simply "tell it like it is."

So, I decided to go on a scavenger hunt through to scriptures to find what God says about the power of words....A LOT...no surprise there.  Here are a few of scriptures that stood out to me.

 

These verses are just a few out of a list of MANY that outlines and discusses how words, though small, can have a huge impact on our lives and especially the lives of others.  Take a moment today to consider how your words and tone have the power to either hurt or help.  Those extra few seconds could be the most valuable time you spend all day!  

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, 

But words can never hurt me!

A clever lie we all believed, but here's the brutal truth

Sticks can hurt, and stones can kill, 

And words can utterly destroy me!

So from now on, I'll stop and think,

On these few simple truths. 

Do my words love, do my words build,

Or are they a tool that kills? 

   

                                                                                                                  ~TKH

Until Next Time! <3 

"FALL"ing in Love!

Hello, hello, hello!!! 


Wow!  I can hardly believe the last time I wrote was nearly TWO MONTHS ago!  Life has been so filled with events and graduate studies, that I've found it very difficult to sit down and write for pleasure.  I have missed this therapeutic activity and hope to purposefully find time to write once again.  

I pray you are all well and are blessed!  So much has happened, I hardly know where to begin.  

I just want to write a short post, ya know, to get myself back into the swing of things.  In celebration of the arrival of FALL, my favorite season, I took some time to simply enjoy the beauty of God's creation.  

In the midst of what has been an insanely, crazy two months, nothing is more rejuvenating than pausing to absorb the majestic, splendor of God's craftsmanship.

I recently went to visit a friend, who lives up in the mountains of Pennsylvania. Completely and utterly jealous!  South Jersey equals flat land, and I am a lover of the mountains.  As most of us know, the north is kissed by the touches of Fall several weeks sooner than the states farther south.  As we drove around the paths and rolling hills of his hometown, I was in awe of the stunning beauty.  I believe I may have mentioned it to him a time or two-or perhaps ten. 

The leaves were already turning various hues of brilliant oranges, fiery reds, bold yellows, and luscious purples.  The air carried a crisp scent of leaves, mulch, burning wood, and everything else that represented Fall.  I could have stayed there forever.  My senses were overwhelmed, and I escaped, if not for a moment, to a peaceful, serene place in my soul.  Content to just be still and forget the stresses I had left at home and to which I would soon return. 

I thanked the Lord for this time, fleeting as it was, and prayed I could learn to find that peace anywhere.  I was reminded of the verse 

Psalm 46:10

For a worrier like myself, this is often easier said than done.  But!! Here's the catch!! It doesn't need to be.  How often do I unnecessarily tax myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually simply because of my lack of faith and trust?  How often do we ALL get in the way of God's work and will in our lives?  How often, if we simply shut up and listened, could save ourselves hours, days, or even weeks worth of fretting, stress, and worry?  

Thankful to serve a God who is infinitely PATIENT.  Infinitely GRACIOUS.  Infinitely MERCIFUL!  Without Him, there is NO PEACE.  Without Him, there is NO JOY.  Without Him, there is NO HOPE.  So, when I am tempted to allow my fears, doubts, and worries to consume me like a raging fire, I stop and breathe in the serenity of His Creation, drink up the promises found in His Word, and surrender to His Calling to my soul.

May you take time to find Peace in the Lord this week and the weeks to come!  

Until Next Time! <3